Meet Mr. Redlegs
First off, do you see the guy to Mr. Redlegs right? He's probably dead now. Looking at this new mascot of the Cincinnati, it would be hard to think that this thing hasn't killed before...and you would be right. With this blog we're going to focus on his most recent murder: Mr. Red...dun dun dunnnnnn.
Mr. Red was found in a Cincinnati warehouse with a baseball tee shoved up his ass and his head knocked clean off. A bloody baseball bat was found beside the corpse. There really wasn't any leads on who could've done this, possibly a disgruntled fan or maybe it was Dick Pohl (Reds pitching coach...yes that's his real name) taking out his hatred for how poorly the Reds bullpen has been in the past....forever. At least there wasn't any leads until Mr. Redlegs had shown up.
Bob Castellini has remained quiet on how Redlegs even got his enormous head in the door. A college intern working for the Reds owner in the offseason had this to say:
All of a sudden Mr. Redlegs squeezed through the door with his gigantic black mustache and crazy eyes yelling for Bob. I let Mr. Castellini know someone was here to see him and as he asked who it was, Redlegs grabbed the intercom and said and answered "It's Redlegs, the jobs done now let me in." Nothing was said but Castellini immediately opened the door and let baseball face into his officer. While walking in Bobs' office you could kind of tell that the aging mascot might've recently been in a scuffle by tears on his face and some of the seams on his head coming undone. Before the door was shut I could see Castellini with arms open exclaiming "Welcome to the Family."
That's all I got out of the intern although it does paint a large picture of what happened. Honestly, I'm kind of glad someone like this is now waking up the fans in the later part of the game. If they don't cheer for him when he's doing what he's doing, well they might get their legs broken.
"Mr. Redlegs helped me with my swing said Adam Dunn. The old Mr. Red never even came into the locker room before or after a game while we were in there. He also kind of smelled a bit odd added Ryan Freel. Freel then added, "Mr. Redlegs also got me off with the cops while getting pulled over on I-75 for what I can only guess was driving erratically. The state patrol was walking up the left side of car and he saw Redlegs in the backseat and turned around toward his patrol car and went on his way."
For now, it seems that the new mascot might be a solid addition to the organization but for now we're only 5 games into the season and the team is 4-1. If they start losing, things may soon change.
Pluto Does Drugs, Drops Out
With the recent news of Pluto not being a planet anymore, I started to think what might be in store for elementary classrooms around the U.S. (yes I'm sure China studies the planets as well). Anyway, the amazing newsource that is, CNN, has did a little investigative reporting into this very matter. In a quote from the smoke-filled teachers lounge, Rich Hogan had this to say:
"It's exciting. It's a chance to teach kids that this is the nature of science. Things are always changing," said Rich Hogen, who taught fourth grade for 32 years in the Arizona school system.
Yea I can see about 1 kid out of every classroom thinking how sweet this is. The other 29 are thinking lunch-recess, lunch-recess, lunch-recess, lunch-recess. But how much of an impact can this really have on a classroom of youngsters. This is how I would think most teachers would bring this up:
Mr. Flannegan: Well kids, Pluto has been demoted and is no longer a planet (short pause) let's do some fucking math.
Coors' Bullet Train Kills 7, Sends Dozens To Hospital
On Friday, June 9th, Ester Powers and her friend Deloris Myers were waiting on a train to take them into Chicago. One thing they didn't count on happening was the Coors Silver Bullet Train to come out of nowhere and drop the temperature to a near-freezing 37 degrees fahrenheit.
"I have no idea what had happened. It developed in front of us so fast we had nowhere to run said Ester. "What the hell were they thinking? Who allowed this thing to be on the railways? Do they not clearly understand that if it's 90 degrees and the temperature drops to nearly freezing in a matter of seconds, that it isn't exactly healthy for anyone? And another thing, it was going the complete opposite way of what it needed to be going. What happened if our train was waiting for us to board and this monstrosity came barreling into us? Oh and the beer tastes like shit."
For some reason, while the train is approaching it can freeze the tracks so it glides by much faster which conserves fuel. It may sound like a great idea but when you have a train going nearly 120mph kicking off chunks of ice at people diving out of the way, then you have quite the disaster.
Coors released this statement:
Drinking beer is safe in whatever environment, whether it be playing professional sports such as baseball, football or Nascar or driving trains. We wholeheartedly stand by our train operator and the functions of said train.
Train station locals fear for their lives now that this menace of the railway will seemingly never be stopped.
Brilliant
I'm totally baffled by Karl Rove. He's possibly the smartest man on the planet or the luckiest man on the Earth. And let's face it no one can be this lucky. Besides getting Bush into the White House for a second time (let's face it anyone could've done this because going up against democrats and winning nowadays is about as tough as...well there isn't anything quite as easy). In a recent interview he brought up that the reason that Bush's approval rating is so low is probably because of how the war is going. I read the page over and over again and couldn't comprehend anyone being this slow. Therefore, he must be the smartest man ever. He has to be working some kind of psychology angle with this and I applaud him. When looking at this guy, you immediately think, "he either wants to kill me or use me or both but not in that order...unless he likes things like that."
Story
When I think of robots, I immediately think about Terminator and how robots will take over the world and James Cameron will be the first killed (it will happen). So when the Japanese start making robots that
look exactly like the terminator, it just means doom is right around the corner. Bad acting and ridiculous accents won't be far off.
Trying Something New
Everytime I read about the possibility of oil companies gouging Earth, it reminds me of how dumb questions can be. When oil companies turn out record profits each quarter and the cost of oil drops down (one whole cent) prices still manage to go up around 10 cents at the pump. Something humorous then happens at the federal level where some congressmen say that they will investigate these problems and see if these companies are indeed price gouging. I'm sure these investigations will turn up some thrilling evidence of nothing illegal at all happening. Even if they do actually get into court about this (which they won't) it will still take years and many appeals to get to anything. Long story short, stop complaining about gas prices because there is nothing you or anyone can do about it. They will go up until we find a new resource to make our cars move by. Then that resource will skyrocket because of a war in the mideast. I don't know how it will happen but it will be because of Jeb Bush.
Well NBC has finally found a show that brings in an audience that people can watch and find Howie Mandel funny. It's a brilliant "new" show that boils down to who can be the best at guessing which ho holds the magical briefcase that isn't holding less than $50,000 and guns previously owned by Mandel for killing himself.
Because of the upcoming DaVinci Code movie, they've decided to go on a biblical rampage. For the love of Christ, they need to be casted off the earth faster than Carrot Top searching for his next hilarious prop in a city dump. During the commercial for their upcoming show about how the DaVinci code didn't really happen they boldly claim that it is fiction. I could've told you that in about two seconds by looking at the cover...where it says it is fiction. But the 700 Club has other evidence that just seems rock solid. Their evidence? The bible doesn't say this is how it happened, therefore this isn't how it happened. So it boils down to a book written by man overrides another book written by man. Brilliant.
What's Worse Than A Sequel?
I like making money off of dead people and their family as much as the next midwestern but it seems this has gone a little past the limit. When I first saw the movie trailer last month, it just seemed like a bad idea. I'm sure not to the people making this because anything with 9/11 on it is guaranteed cash. Just look at all the bumperstickers and shirts sold at gas stations.
"We will never forget"
They seemed to have forgotten the rest of the sentence: "how to make money off of anything." Now I'ma sure the assholes who mde this are giving .000000001% of all the profits the film makes to the families who lost their relatives but if these dicks were so fucking righteous they would just give them a huge check and let anyone who wanted to watch it in free of charge (you read correctly, dicks and assholes in the same sentence.) The other thing that pisses me off about this is that we've all heard the story hundreds of times. Why do we need to see it with visuals this time? Wasn't the stories and day horrible enough? This just seems to prove the fact that they were just trying to make a quick buck because it was still in our minds...because Bush brings it up no matter what.
Too Bad He Wasn't Bullet-Proof! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It appears another rapper has died and surprisingly it wasn't because of old age or having a heart attack at the announcement of his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. Nope, he decided to suck a couple of bullets into his chest and then just die, like a total idiot. I love getting shot as much as the next guy who has a shitty career/none but when you consider that he was a friend with Eminem and a former member of D12 you have to start thinking the killer did this guy a favor. I'm not saying that being in a rap group that plays second fiddle to a white guy from Michigan is pathetic but then again what kind of fucking rap group has a fiddle in it in the first place? Morons.
Anyway, this sweet rapper called himself Proof for reasons not known by me. What I do know is that I'm kind of scared that D12 will come busting through my door knock me out then start making terrible rhymes about how I'm about to die. That brings me to another point, rappers are like the Bond villians of real life. They tell you how they're going to do everything but nothing really happens. I'm not going to try to explain what lyrics are like this because nearly every rap song is the same anyway. I can't see how each rapper says they make songs unique to themselves about their life but somehow every artists song comes out identical to others.
So you love girls and getting drunk eh? Well that's great but can you have something new for the next 9 tracks of your album? Oh you can't think of anything else? Apparently you're full of shit and aren't exactly as creative as your mom and idiot friends said you are.
First off, do you see the guy to Mr. Redlegs right? He's probably dead now. Looking at this new mascot of the Cincinnati, it would be hard to think that this thing hasn't killed before...and you would be right. With this blog we're going to focus on his most recent murder: Mr. Red...dun dun dunnnnnn.
