No Pantz's Blog of Death

Coming In A Bit Late

That guy with the thing on his head also known as Ayman al-Zahahiri has come out saying that al Qaeda has condemned the drawings of their God Mohmmed and that he praises Hammas' win in the past elections. Although living in a cave can probably slow you down to current world events, you would think that a group as big as this would have news coming into them just a bit faster. I would expect at the very least a 56k modem (with covers over the phone line slots because insertion is fucking gross). This actually leads up to the reason why there hasn't been any post up here lately because I decided to go on a trip to talk to the man himself. It really isn't that hard to figure out where he is when you put all the clues together but I'll let the sleuths of the world try to figure it out just a while longer. Anyway after many threats on dismemberment and being poked with pointy sticks I was able to get an interview and this is what he had to say:

No Pantz: So what's with the ridiculously slow news coming in and out of this cave?

Ayman: Well, you see Osama left for a little while and when he does he locks up the good computers because he has no faith in us to take care of it.

NP: Yea I saw something that resembled Jerod Pauley's...computer.

Ay: Yea those things are definitely nothing special but it's what we have to work with. Hey did you hear about the Olympics starting up? You might want to be watching next week during the speed skating portion.

NP: That was over about a week ago so good luck with anything remotely terroristic.

Ay: Damn it! See I knew that Osama needed to let us...wait is terroristic even a word?

NP: I really have no clue but it sounds good enough. Anyway moving on. You've been the number two man for quite some time now, do you ever get angry that there is no room for job promotions?

Ay: No not at all, I'm usually the one...

NP: So what you're saying is that Osama won't be going on any Martyr runs with the rest of the guys or anything like that?

Ay: Haha no nothing like that will be in his near or distant future, you see we let the idiots take care of blowing up things with bombs on their bodies. We just take care of the everyday expensives and press briefings and things of that nature.

NP: That actually sounds similar to a democracy or how the U.S. is run.

Ay: What did you just say?

NP: Praise Allah?

Ay: Better.

NP: Right, well I think this interview is over with and I must say that you speak english very well. It seems you could have at the very least graduated highschool in the midwest somewhere.

Ay: Well thank you very much you western devil now get back to your cell.

NP: Alright so what you're saying is that I won't be freed anytime soon?

Ay: Not a chance in hell.

NP: Can I at least get some of those virgins I keep hearing about from all of your guards?

Ay: No they're all mine.

NP: Man you have democracy written all over you. Well all over except for the part where it looks like the shit monster punched you in the forehead.

And that's how the interview ended. I was punched in the face and and I woke up next to Eddie Van Halen. He played solos that melted everyone's face and we rode off with David Lee Roth and all his girlfriends from the 80's. It was sweet.

posted by James @ 2:38 AM