No Pantz's Blog of Death

Coors' Bullet Train Kills 7, Sends Dozens To Hospital

On Friday, June 9th, Ester Powers and her friend Deloris Myers were waiting on a train to take them into Chicago. One thing they didn't count on happening was the Coors Silver Bullet Train to come out of nowhere and drop the temperature to a near-freezing 37 degrees fahrenheit.

"I have no idea what had happened. It developed in front of us so fast we had nowhere to run said Ester. "What the hell were they thinking? Who allowed this thing to be on the railways? Do they not clearly understand that if it's 90 degrees and the temperature drops to nearly freezing in a matter of seconds, that it isn't exactly healthy for anyone? And another thing, it was going the complete opposite way of what it needed to be going. What happened if our train was waiting for us to board and this monstrosity came barreling into us? Oh and the beer tastes like shit."

For some reason, while the train is approaching it can freeze the tracks so it glides by much faster which conserves fuel. It may sound like a great idea but when you have a train going nearly 120mph kicking off chunks of ice at people diving out of the way, then you have quite the disaster.

Coors released this statement:

Drinking beer is safe in whatever environment, whether it be playing professional sports such as baseball, football or Nascar or driving trains. We wholeheartedly stand by our train operator and the functions of said train.

Train station locals fear for their lives now that this menace of the railway will seemingly never be stopped.

posted by James @ 2:50 AM